So much has been going on this summer, I have hardly had a minute to think. But perhaps most notably, we have just wrapped the yearly summer trip to Green Bay. And now we are in the detox process of trying to get Butterfly back to her "normal."
Typically, Butterfly spends one week each summer with her grandparents. We meet half way to exchange her. She spends a week being completely uncomfortable, then the following weekend, my husband and I drive up to Green Bay to pick her up, and to spend a couple days with his family.
Things went a little differently this year. Due to some unfortunate happenings in April and May, I finally made the long overdue decision to no longer participate in this trip (and perhaps future trips as well). Poor Butterfly was absolutely devastated about going on this trip. If I had any technological know-how, I would post the picture I took on my cell phone the night before she left. She was crying and screaming, and looked so tortured. It was devastating. And of course, I was the only one treated to this, and I needed that picture for proof. She tried to make so many deals and come up with other plans so she wouldn't need to go.
**Right now, you might be wondering why we don't tell my in-laws that she feels this way. My husband and I have tried on MANY occasions. Too many to count. But when she is around them she acts like everything is rainbows and roses and lollipops and unicorns. Which in turn makes us, especially me, look crazy. Like we're making the whole thing up. Oh, and you may also be wondering why we send her. I haven't a clue. I hate it. My husband says something about natural consequences and soon enough she'll be old enough to decide she doesn't want to go anymore. I think it's a bunch of hooey and a lame copout for being too afraid to stand up to his parents, but I digress.**
In any case, the stress that this trip causes is insane. And typically I am a basketcase, and I would have spent an afternoon at the chiropractor and a couple days home sick. Because this trip always has physical repercussions for me. I get so stressed I make myself physically ill. That has to be normal, right? I am happy to say, I had none of that this time, mostly because I have taken out all of the stress on myself about having to go up there, which in turn has allowed me to focus more on helping Buttefly deal.
So, Butterfly put on her typical song and dance. She tried one time to tell her grandmother that she was homesick, and was told "Don't be silly. You're fine. You don't need to call your Mom." And that was the end of that. Butterfly knew she couldn't trust her grandmother to listen to her feelings, so she wasn't going to bother trying. She spent the week watching TV, eating, and basically doing whatever she pleased. All things every RAD kid needs, of course.
My husband and I drove to Milwaukee on Friday, and spent time with family and friends. Sunday morning he drove to Milwaukee for the 4th of July. Upon his arrival, his parents asked where I was, as did Butterfly. He sent her into the other room to call me and told his parents that I no longer feel comfortable there. Their response? Nothing. Nothing at all. They went about their business as if nothing happened. It really showed me my place and how important I am.
I can't say as I minded. I was soaking up every second with my Goddaughter, and enjoying the company of my brother and sister-in-law. But honestly, it did hurt just a little. Mostly because I never wanted it to come to this. And I thought maybe if we all wanted to salvage a relationship, it could be done. But I guess not.
Now we are on the month long road of undoing all that was done during that week. Constant reminders that we can't do whatever we feel like or eat whatever we want whenever we want. We can't be disrespectful just because we feel like it. And on and on and on. Butterfly is struggling, but she is trying. It has been so much worse in years past, and I am thrilled to see the progress she has made. It doesn't make me any more tolerant of the morning battles over shoes or the evening battles over showers and bedtime and everything in between. But it is good to remember how far she has come.
And in two weeks, she should be back to "normal" just in time for us to get in two weeks of quiet and calm before the craziness of back-to-school dysregulation starts.
Yeah, Brie! Keep on sticking to your guns. My outlaws recently came out of the woodwork again pretending that nothing was wrong and then DEMANDING that I show up to some "clear the air, hash it out" summit...otherwise known as "Crucify Diana and Blame Her for All that is Wrong in the World." I refused to participate. They wouldn't listen to Blaine when he tried to explain that I wouldn't be there, I didn't need to be there, that we can't just leave our kids with a babysitter. So, even though they dispise email, I personally emailed them anyway. I told them that I wouldn't be attending their summit and they would have to work out whatever they needed to without me there. They responded to Blaine with all sorts of passive agressive digs against me. I once again responded personally to them and this time spelled it out even more clearly that I was DONE with them and had no need "fix" anything and that them not having contact with our children is not a threat. It is reality! I also reminded them that by their own choosing, they have only met our boys twice, and both times have been at large family gatherings that were completely overwhelming for our kids. Never once have they made any effort to see them or meet them just because. Never once have I felt like I had been accepted by them...not once in the nearly 17 years Blaine and I have been together. We got married really fast and they are still very bitter about that. I then further reminded them that both those gatherings in which they have seen our kids were nearly 3 years ago, now, and that I couldn't beleive that our mandate that they are not safe people for our children to be in contact with is still being perceived by them as a "threat". I then further explained to them that the reason they won't be seeing any of our kids anytime soon is because we have personlly witnessed them using some of their grandchildren as pawns to further their own warped agendas and spew their venom and that while this practice is incredibly hurtful to any child, it has potential to cause irrepairable damage to our not yet attached kids. Until we can trust implicitly that they would never do such a thing, they won't have contact with our kids. If that mandate has to stay in place for life, then so be it.
ReplyDeleteWe haven't heard from them since. But we will in a few months, I'm sure. They'll be back to pretending nothing is wrong, wondering why they haven't heard from Blaine, and they'll still be looking to make me their scapegoat and boo hooing that I've brainwahsed their son, forced him out of their lives, and made it so their grandchildren will not to be able know them. Whatever.
Hang in there, girlfriend. Hopefully she'll be back to normal faster this time and you'll get more quiet time than you anticipate.
So sorry for Butterfly (and you) that she keeps having to go on this annual trip. Maybe the silver lining, if there is one, is that you get an annual guage of her progress in terms of the post-trip regression being noticably improved since the previous year. Still. So sorry for Butterfly. She must be reeling inside right now with a whole lot of big confusing feelings.
ReplyDeleteDiana, perhaps we need to orchestrate a summit of our own for crazy in-laws. It sounds like ours were cut from the same cloth, to steal one of my MIL's favorite phrases. I know I've said it before, but I am so impressed with you and Blaine for staying so strong and supporting each other in your dealings with them - I know it isn't easy. And it's nice to know someone who has dealt with similar issues - it makes it that much more tolerable.
ReplyDeleteBT - you're right about the silver lining. I'm trying to look at it as a guage of where we are, because that is about the only positive thing to pull from this.